Signed up for a new french course with YJ and Syarah.  Not the intermediate course; taking a ‘break’ in between and signed up for 2 months of phonics before we continue to, erm, endure.  On our way to the MRT, YJ asked if I’m seeing anyone at the moment.  I told her no, but I’m pretty happy with the way I am now.  

I’m happier that I can be truthful to myself, my words.  It’s a lot harder pretending to be okay when you’re not, and do I know it well.  There’s no need for that anymore because apart from my health issues, I’m alright on my own and no longer need to keep up a good front to assure my close ones–I think my friends can see it for themselves too. 

I guess I’m generally accommodating and I don’t take delight in saying no to people.  But if I have to, I will.  I don’t find pleasure in making lives difficult for people–at least I don’t do it deliberately.  But then I’m no martyr either, and I will never be one.

In one diary that I left behind, I ended it with one word–a question, to be precise: “Why?” 

I no longer have any intentions to find the answer.  In the process to get myself back on track, I realise not everything necessarily has an answer to them.  Ask all you want if you want, but a simple “why” might be too profound to answer sometimes.  

As I said to my friends, you can’t erase memories in a flick of a switch, but I’ll do myself a huge favour by not deliberately recalling them.  They will fade if I let them and won’t if I don’t.  You’ll realise soon enough, that you can’t miss what you don’t recall, and you can’t possibly lose what you never had.  And I’m guessing  this post might make more sense to you now– Be it some dreams, some memories, some people, I’ll accept and do with them what I deem right for me.

I received something in the mail today.   Too much to write if I go into details here, but I’ll have to send them back.  Once in a long ago, they might have made me very happy.  Special, even.  But they no longer have that kind of effect on me and have ceased to possess the same meaning.  Above all, they are no longer appropriate.  I don’t like to say no.  But if I have to, I will.

I guess I’ll just end this post with yet another rhetorical question: 

Why now?